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| I am right now working the 3 to 11pm shift at the front desk of the hotel. I haven't worked that for a while, since my hours have been cut. I felt like writing. I have gotten a few things done on my shift. I looked up the lyrics to Green Eyes by Coldplay and Time to Say Goodbye sung by Sarah Brightman and Andrew Bocelli. I was asked to sing at this wedding on April 22nd. Bizarre. Its this girl that was a grade ahead of me in highschool. It'll be strange. An excuse to wonder on back home. I'll see some people from my class that I havn't seen for a long time. One of which has a baby now. So that will be interesting. Its really funny how I was "a singer" back home, amoung other things. Thats how people saw me in highschool, predicting that i would go into music in college. Small towns have a way of involving everyone in the knowledge of what box you fit in. They say what you are, what you will be. And really, there is no excaping it. I couldn't tell Casie (the gal getting married) that i'm not really a "singer" anymore. I felt like i would be crashing that world that only exsists in illusion now, still pulsating strongly with the people that once knew me. That i would be casuing disunion with the me that was and the me that is. A fragile wall seperates the two. And one only exsists in essence now. In memories, in past-tence words, in nostalgic moments. And the wall is broken all the time. But for the most part, I'd rather avoid breaking it when having an interaction with a person that only knows me from one side of the wall. The pre-college side. So I told her i would. and I am glad i am. I still love singing. It just dosen't difine me like it once did.
So what does define me now? What an odd time, a graduate from college. Often times, I am elated. Overwelmed by the freedom, the possiblities. But most of the time i am restless, lost and have no idea what to do with myself, wishing for more direction. A sign of what i am supposed to do, something. I am still here. In bemidji. I guess i left fargo to "get the hell out" of a place i had been for what seemed like a long time. and to leave behind problems that leaving very easily solved. Although i love the people here, i can not stay. I wake up in the morning, star at my ceiling above my bed, in a room that has never felt like my own thinking, I'm still here? A dear friend said a good goal to have would be to not feel that way :) But back? To where i am comfortable? To where i was? Part of me feels like its a cope out. A voice is saying, no, no, you have already done that. You need to go somewhere else. Somewhere else? What if i can't feel right in any somewhere else? How long will i wonder around? Part of me feels like, gosh, if you feel a draw to it so strongly, you shouldn't question, you should just go.
Back back back. Even if it is for a little bit. Just in this transition stage. At this point, i have meet so many amazing people. I have just passed the point where my attachments will now be very hard to leave. But its always going to be hard to leave. And i suppose it may always be hard to go back too. I guess i'm not sure about that. It feels like going back would be the esiest thing in the world.
So how long will i be here? i have a job as a janitor now, at the local federal building, and i am working at the hotel on the weekends. Not alot, but just making it. Its really hard to find jobs here. I had no idea moving up here that it would be so hard. In between i am working on an intenship with River Keepers, and applying to as many jobs as i can in my field. Hopeing that one of these applications will give me direction. Take me to a far away land, to do some exciting research, or something good. To California, New York, Baltimore. Part of me is terrified that I'll have to just decide myself, becasue i won't get anything. We really are prisoners of our mind. Creating situations we get stuck in. Afraid to leave, afraid to stay. Unsure of the emotions we're feeling, untrusting of our deepest yearnings. I think its harder for some to break away from these fears then others. What makes that so? the way we were raised, our past experiences? Why can i hear of a 16 year old girl traveling Europe alone, but feel unable to get past my doubts at 22 to do it myself?
mm. Maybe i'll just leave tomorrow. To somewhere. Get on a bus. just go.
no. i won't. not tomorrow anyway. i'm mush to slow for that.
i am going to leave though. i know that. So thats good. I've figured something out.
and as the snow melts, i miss the sidewalks of fargo even more . | | |
| Hello.
Good things about working the early shift at the hotel front desk-
Continental breakfast. I made my own waffle today. It was actually the first waffle i have ever made. I never used the one at concordia. Gosh, how funny. Four years with a waffle machine, and i have never made a waffle.
Having my laptop, and reading my dear ones xanga entries :)
Seeing daylight out the widows and doors. Knowing that when i get out of work it will still be there! how exciting.
Working without supervision. very nice.
Things not as good-
Checking people out of their rooms, and charging their credit cards for payment. i was never trained to do that. Gosh, i hope i'm doing it right.
Getting syrup on my face, and on my tie. hmmm | | |
| gosh. its hard to write sometims. It funny, sometimes i will want to write so badly, the desire so strong. Like there is so much to get out, so much to sort though and make sense of. I have to write. Then, you get to the blank page and
nothing
nothing comes. the desire still there, but not even the fist bit of black to explain what your feeling, thinking, wanting. will come out.
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| Ok. Here i am writing a new entry HELLO EVERYBODY!! It is been wonderful reading your xangas. I miss you. kim. verana. donna. phil. and have a nostalgia for those i didn't get to know and feel i am missing out on. paul. jared. valarie. i hope everyone is well. know i am thinking of you here in my new place. So where am i??
Well, in life, i don't know. But physically for now i am in Bemidji. I love telling my extended family that. The ones on the east coast. They laugh and ask me if i am on a remote island somewhere. Nope. Minnesota. Only three hours from where i was before and a little north. and more east. I guess, i couldn't quiet fly the coop completely yet. I guess i just wasn't ready. So for right now this is a stopping post. i don't know for how long yet. I am taking two classes at BSU. Ichthyology- the study of fish, and Limnology, the study of freshwater ecosystems. not grad. school. just extending my undergrad work, specifying a little bit and seeing what i like. Class is great. Lab is awesome. I get to be in the lake! I net fish and then count them. We hollar out there names so someone can record them, then let them go. so i am learning the names of all the fishes in Minnesota.
I am also volunteering for the Department of Natural Resources as much as I can. We are currently studying walleye mortality rates. I just basically help collect data. I work with about 6 DNR guys who make allot of jokes about how old they are and how young i am. how they started their career when i was born. Its been nice being near them.
And the people up here are great. I have a theory about how the closer to water you get, the happier you are. It is really nice being so near the water. so close to natural sand! i am really enjoying. Sometimes just getting up and going to lake bemidji ( only a few blocks away) and jumping in. I also have journaled and done homework down by the water. (Kim, i found this really beautiful birch tree that has eight different limbs that extend out of the ground and into the water. I can sit on it with my feet dangling off and below the surface.) Standing by it sometimes and just listening in between classes makes my day better. I have class in the "Aqua Lab" right by the southern part of the lake. And at night, its just beautiful. I know! it isn't even that big of a body of water! and i know it isn't any lake Superior. But it is more then what i am used too. And i learned how to sail the other day! It was exciting.
i have also been looking for jobs to no avail. I applied for a front desk job at the hotel airport and find out today. Also, does anyone have a car they can give me? As much as i don't want to rely on one, everything is fairly spread out here, and winter is coming. I'll find something. Goodness, it also seems to me that the more east into Minnesota you get, the more environmentally aware people are. That could just be coincidence. It if mush easier to recycle here anyway. And there are alot of Environmental Science students, which as been nice for me. i am still such a slacker though. Oh! Higher Force! give me the motivation of Donna! Kim! Phil! who i believe serve as inspiration to us all. Gosh Donna! Peace Corps! and Phil out there feeding people in protests and working for LuthernCorps. (I don't think that is what its called. correct me if you have time. and sorry about my ignorance) Kim leaving everything she knows, everyone, and more then most of her belongings to venture into the heart of political activism, Seattle. You guys are awesome. and i miss you. Ok. there is a little for now. Just a summary. i will write again. have a good night everyone.
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| Ok. I have decided that i am going to live in kim's purple sweatshirt. Yep. That is where i'm going. My address will be Kim's Sweatshirt. Purple and Wonderful 231.
The numbers don't mean anything. It just makes it feel more like a real address.
Oh, all my problems are solved. I don't have to worry about packing, all i'll need is this sweatshirt. And i don't have to worry about who i will be a burden to for those last days in august when i need a place to stay. And i could move out right now, and not have to pay $10 a day until i can get out, because someone didn't tell me i was supposed to be out sooner.
And it smells like kim. Nag champa and breeze. And a little like One World where she bought it today. Totally worth it by the way.
Oh. live is so hard. Ok, for real, it is down to Bemidji and Chicago. Both seem some what hopeful, and i should find out this week. I would like either choice. i know its getting kinda late. But it will work.
I... gosh i always want to say so much and it is so hard. I was smoking a clove and laying (sp?) in the drive way looking at the stars. Its been a good summer, i was thinking. And it really has. Things that needed to be said were said. Exciting adventures were partaken. New things were tried. Youth was embellished. Beauty enjoyed.
Oh stars. What are ya doing? There you are, shinning. Shinning. And we are down here. Walking around. Hurting. In all this shit. And you keep on shinning. Just like the sun and the moon, everyday. And we all get up and do it again.
Stay with me, i say as i stare at them one more time before going inside. Stay with. Keep me sane. Then i stood there and realized that is what they do. They are there everyday. They are the constant in all this crazy change. Everyday will always come, and so we'll get up and try to come closer to some sort of ok. They do keep us sane. Life, the same thing that causes so much hurt, also keeps us sane. Because it happens everyday. Its what we have. Its all we have to cuddle near. The fact that it is and it will be. Gosh, does that make any sense? That which makes us insane, keeps us sane? Maybe its just all a dirty trick. And someone is laughing at all the crap we put ourselves through. Laughing at all the hoops we jump, at how worked up we get. Still. If it is a joke, it would be what we have. So lets enjoy this joke of a life we live, where there is hurt, where we fall hard. Lets cry the hell out of, and fall and bleed. And laugh the snot out of it. and Love so hard we can't breath. Goodnight life. I'll see you tomorrow.
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